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Congregation of Unitarian Universalists

Additional Words of Sympathy for Memorial Services

Questions and Answers about Memorial Services and Graveside Services of Committal

Return to Full Memorial Service Example


All Souls by May Sarton

Did someone say that there would be an end,

An end, Oh, an end, to love and mourning?

Such voices speak when sleep and waking blend,

The cold bleak voices of the early morning

When all the birds are dumb in dark November -

Remember and forget, forget, remember.

After the false night, warm true voices, wake!

Voice of the dead that touches the cold living,

Through the pale sunlight once more gravely speak,

Tell me again, while the last leaves are falling:

"Dear child, what has been once so interwoven

Cannot be raveled, nor the gift ungiven."

Now the dead move through all of us still glowing,

Mother and child, lover and lover mated,

Are wound and bound together and enflowing.

What has been plaited cannot be unplaited -

Only the strands grow richer with each loss

And memory makes kings and queens of us.

Dark into light, light into darkness, spin.

When all the birds have flown to some real haven,

We who find shelter in the warmth within,

Listen, and feel now new-cherished, new-forgiven,

As the lost human voices speak through us and blend

Our complex love, our mourning without end.

    Death is a fact of life from which we cannot escape. Sooner or later not only we, but those with whom we are close, will die. Death, even when it comes under the best of circumstances, represents a loss and requires changes of those who live on. When the person dying is someone with whom we have been particularly close the sorrow and grief may seem almost impossible to bear. Yet, as hard as death is, it's our belief that the Divine calls us into life, not away from it. So, we grieve, mourn and move on.

    As Unitarian Universalists, we value the journey of each person. When someone we love dies, the task of our service of memory is to both honor the depth of our grief and to celebrate the richness of her or his life. In our tradition, each Memorial Service is as unique as the life it celebrates. Through readings, music, the eulogy, and sharing of memories, we seek to remember the best of those who have left us and to honor their struggles and joys.

    Each service is personally planned between the family and our Lay minister. If the deceased expressed particular wishes for his or her Memorial Service, these are honored as much as possible. Recognizing that many family and friends come from a variety of religious traditions, the service is intended to respect the diversity of people present.

    Frequently asked questions about our Memorial Services:

    How quickly does a Memorial Service need to be held after a person's death?

    There is no  standard length of time for when a service needs to be held. The most important factor, once burial arrangements have been made, is when the family and friends can gather together. However, since the service does have an important role in the grieving process, it is wise not to hold it off longer than necessary.

    Must there be a casket or an urn?

    For a Memorial Service, no casket or urn needs to be present, although they can be if it is a comfort to the family. Often important pictures may be arranged in front of the sanctuary to help center people's remembrances.

    Who gives the eulogy?

    The eulogy tells the story of a life. When you are lost in grief and unable to cope, a funeral eulogy sometimes helps a person who is struggling a loss. It can force them to gather themselves together, to focus on a single task. That task is not the writing of a speech. The task is remembering the good times and thinking about how that person has touched your life. It is a hard task, but necessary. Sometimes there is a family member or a close family friend who is comfortable in this role, or a few who might share the eulogy. At other times, family or friends may find it too difficult to speak. Our Lay minister is always available to give the eulogy, if the family wishes.

    Where are Memorial Services usually held?

    Depending upon the circumstances, the service may appropriately be held in a nursing home, or a family living room, a funeral home, or some other place of memory. The Fellowship's rented space, however, is usually available for such services.

    Do we need to be members of the congregation?

    No. Our Lay minister officiates for Memorial Services for all members of the community.

    Can we bring our own minister?

    This can be possible, but our congregation's policy is to review such requests on a case by case basis. Please speak with our lay minister, if you have such a request.

    Is there a fee for having a Memorial Service at the Fellowship?

    There is no fee for ministerial services for members of the congregation. There are modest fees for non-members. Please contact the office for information about current fees.

    A Funeral Service is similar to a memorial service in its content, but is held with the casket present at a mortuary, chapel, the graveside or church. Unless the funeral is held at the graveside, a service of committal is also held there for the family and whomever else they would like to attend. No matter where a funeral is held, it is the preference of most Unitarian Universalist ministers that the casket be closed before the service takes place. If it is the preference of the family, however, that the casket remain open during the service, the minister will usually understand.

    A Graveside Service of Committal

    When people are to be buried it helps even those who are reticent to go to the gravesite for a service of committal. An actual, physical, leave-taking from the body after the committal provides an emotional release and closure. In particular military services will involve presentation of the flag at a service of committal.

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